Preface: My only living grandparent (who also happens to be my life-long favorite grandparent out of all 7) is in the hospital. Post-op recovery for minor back surgery. Her second one in the last few months. I’m kind of a mess right now and I’m not comfortable sharing all the details, but long story short things don’t look good either way this cookie crumbles.
I just need to let out my feelings. My fingers talk a lot better than my mouth most of the time. I’m not good with the verbal stuff.
Language warning. It’s about to get raw up in here.
My Nanny may be 87, but I’m not ready to say things like, “Well, she’s had a long, happy life,” and other consolations. I want to keep my Nanny. Forever. Her smile is the kind of thing you just don’t see often. When she smiles, her whole face smiles. Fake smiling though? No. Not so much lol. But her genuine smiles … I just love. I’m not ready to stop seeing those smiles.
When I was young, her house was my haven. It’s no secret that my childhood was rough at times. My Nanny’s house was my True North. I don’t have room here to unpack all reasons my Nanny managed to make it so high on my list of favorite people in the world.
She is one of those people the world needs more of. I don’t give a shit if people who see her all the time see a different person than I do. My Nanny is the most pure-hearted person I’ve ever known. True Salt of the Earth and Light of the World kind of person. (Did she just swear and paraphrase scripture in the same paragraph? Yes. I did.) She’s genuine and caring and kind hearted. If you’re lucky, you’ve known maybe one person like her in your lifetime. I absolutely adore her. She’s a saint. And don’t you dare tell me any different. Beneath the occasional fussing is the sweetest most giving person you’ve ever met.
So don’t give me that, “Everyone’s gotta die sometime,” bullshit.
Of course everyone dies. No one lives forever. But I’m not gonna stop praying for miracles just because, “We all gotta die sometime.”
I’m going to keep praying for miracles. Down on my knees in surrender. When her time comes, it’s going to be the biggest heartache I’ve ever experienced. But I’m not going to stop praying just because she’s a ripe old age and had a happy life. No. I’m not ready for her to go. I will never be ready. And even if things get really freaking bad, I will not stop praying for miracles.
Join me in praying…
That my Nanny (Lois Epperson) will walk again.
That she will resume taking care of her basic needs.
That she will live pain-free.
That she have peace in her heart.