Personal Development

#itsaGodThing Unexpected Gifts as Reminders

September 22, 2016 by amanda Leave a Comment

My friend Krischa makes hand stamped jewelry (and other beautiful things). When she began experimenting with hand stamping, I asked her if she could make me something like this necklace charm. Bob Marley’s ‘Three Little Birds’ has been an underlying theme of my overall attitude for a very long time. When you grow up the way I grew up, #FirstWorldProblems are no big deal.

Lately though, I haven’t been thinking every little thing is gonna be alright. I mean, I don’t worry about petty things that worry many others. But I’m having trouble believing that my biggest struggles are ever going to improve. I find myself worrying that I’ll be stuck in certain negative patterns/positions forever. I struggle to see the bright side. That’s not like me.

I don’t know how long this necklace sat in my mailbox. Probably a week. Krischa likes to surprise people with love mail. I don’t check mine unless I’m expecting a package, and I just so happened to be expecting a couple today.

Naturally, I loved it the moment I saw it. My kids first initial is on each little circle. My three little birds. But it wasn’t until later that the magnitude of the words smacked me in the chest.

I flopped on the sofa, stressed and worrying about “what ifs”. My husband isn’t the most romantic guy, but he sat down beside me, cuddled up and started singing Three Little Birds. I don’t remember him ever doing this. I’m always the one to sing that song. Always. My husband is the worrier in our household. I’m the one that balances the scale with a heavy dose of ,”Meh… It Could Be Worse.”

I needed to be reminded of who I really am. Although some of the things I worry about are pretty serious, I still need to believe in my heart of hearts that every little thing will be alright.

P.S. I have my first appointment with a therapist next week. I’m equal parts scared, excited and really not looking forward to it. Overcoming is freaking hard. It’s much easier to put on blinders and pretend everything is peaches and sunshine. Meanwhile beneath the surface wounds are festering. I suppose I’ve chosen my hard…

X Amanda

Do Serene Locations Bring Serenity?

August 9, 2016 by amanda Leave a Comment

I mentioned before that this school year is the beginning of not just a whole new chapter in life, but basically an entire new book in the series of my life. All of my kids are in school full time. As a stay/work at home mom, this is a huge deal. My mission over the next few months is to spend a large portion of my days focused on mental restoration.

If you’re new here, hi! I’m Amanda and I am a hot mess mom. I’m always late, I struggle to keep the house clean (not just the regular struggle lol), I have emotional scars, I yell at my kids more than I probably should. Yeah, I’m a bit of a mess. But I acknowledge it and I’m very actively working on it.

I made a list of things I wanted to do while the kids were in school. At the top was exploring gorgeous hiking trails relatively close to home, finding a serene spot to sit and just… breathe. Pray. Read. Clear my mind.

Sounds magical, right moms?!

As it turns out, this is going to take some practice.

Yesterday was the first day of school here. I left home with my backpack, ready for a magical morning.

My dreamy vision and reality weren’t quite the same. I had a hard time mentally slowing down and just enjoying the atmosphere. It didn’t help that there were a lot of ants, and I’m allergic to ant bites. I actually pulled something in my shoulder while frantically digging a fire ant out of my shirt sleeve. That says a lot about my current fitness level lol. I’ve been going to the gym a lot more lately, but it’s time to step it up.

Next time I adventure out (which will be soon), I’ll be a little more prepared. We will call this little adventure my practice run. Ants suck.

My Magical Hiking for Personal Growth Backpack Checklist

Beach towel or something to sit on
Insect repellent
Notebook/pen
Book
Snack
Water
Earbuds
Camera

The morning wasn’t a total loss. I was able to dust off my DSLR and experiment with shutter speeds. Rushing water is such a beautiful thing. Now I want to add kayaking to my list of things to do while the kids are in school lol.

Photo info: Creative Commons License CCo – Taken by Amanda Alexander (Unsplash). No claims of being a professional photographer. Just giving back to the CCo community.

This is for the Hot Mess Moms

August 1, 2016 by amanda Leave a Comment

You know who you are. You’re late. You forgot something. It’s 6:30 pm and you’re still not sure what’s for dinner (Chicfila, anyone?). Halfway through the grocery store you realize your shirt has some sort of gunk on it. Your kid is in the grocery cart eating grapes (or worse, powdered donuts) and you can’t even bring yourself to care. Your greatest accomplishment of the day is you remembered to put the laundry you washed into the dryer instead of letting it get stinky. Again.

You stopped beating yourself up for your lack of perfection, but still wish you could just get things done for a change. You’re so tired of going through life feeling like you’re in the middle of a batting cage with all the pitching machines pointing at you. You’re swinging your little bat around trying to hit all the balls, but that crap is HARD. Juggling life is HARD!

And it’s like you can feel people looking at you and judging. They don’t get why you can’t just get somewhere on time, or why you always forget something. You can’t figure it out either! So you resort to either 1- beating yourself up; 2- giving up on any hope of ever successfully adulting; 3- become a grocery store wine connoisseur; or 4- all of the above.

No shade here, sister. You are in good company. I get you. I sooo get you.

This blog has served a handful of purposes since I launched it in January, but I think I’ve finally figured out what I truly want to focus on.

Hot Mess Mom Rehabilitation.

Stay with me here…

I’m a hot mess mom. All of my kids are about to be in school full time. I’m self-employed. I’ve decided it’s time to finally get my crap together. I’ve been working HARD on it for several months, but this is it. I’m putting aside a lot of things that give me great personal satisfaction in order to focus on becoming the person God intended me to be. I’m not taking new copywriting clients for a while. So much of my self-worth is tied to my success in business/career. Money isn’t everything. I will never become as successful as I know I CAN be (and want to be) unless I grow personally.

I don’t beat myself up about being a hot mess mom. I know where my problems are rooted and I’m working on it. That’s the best I can do. No reason to further damage my self-worth.

So what does this have to do with you? And what the heck is Hot Mess Mom Rehabilitation?

Our hot mess behaviors are not our fault. They are rooted sooooo deeply. And they’ve been there a LOOOONG time. Way before you ever showed up late to your kid’s doctor’s appointment or baseball practice. These are thoughts, behaviors and defense mechanisms that are rooted in life experiences going as far back as early childhood. No, I’m not saying all my issues are my parents fault. But there’s a good reason every mental health professional begins their evaluation with, “Tell me about your childhood.” It’s the precursor to everything.

Over the next several months, I will be sharing books I find helpful, personal discoveries, insights, and more. I can’t promise that my story will transform your life, but I do hope that it leaves you inspired to make a positive change.

Be sure to drop your email address in the little box to get a super non-spammy email when I create a new post. Facebook is notorious for not showing anyone posts from pages. Ever. It’s useless. So if you ever want to read anything on this blog again, leave your email address in the box at the bottom of the page.

Til next time,

Amanda

I Have Had It All Wrong

May 13, 2016 by amanda Leave a Comment

In my desperate search for finding my ‘want to’ … I failed to realize that I don’t have to ‘want to’ do something in order to DO IT.

I’m going to keep this short and to the point, because it’s really an incredibly simple concept. I don’t know why it took so much soul searching to figure this out.

People do stuff they don’t want to do every single day.

People get up and go to jobs they hate. They wipe poop off of butts, well beyond the age they thought they’d be done with that phase. They get blood drawn. They have surgery. The list goes on and on forever. They do these things because the consequences of NOT doing them is worse than the struggle to do it.

The idea that you must want to do something in order to do it … is bananas. Like you’re going to magically wake up one day craving lettuce and crunches. No. That’s not how the brain actually works.

So what do you do when you don’t want to do anything??

You do stuff anyway. If you’re reading this, you’re probably at least 25 or older. You’re old enough to know that sometimes you have to slap on your extra tall rain boots and trudge through some crap to make things happen.

Waiting for a ‘want to’ moment is a choice. Waiting is a choice. So whether you wait til you want to, or begin taking action anyway, you’re making a choice. By waiting, you’re choosing to let life happen to you. You’re not taking control. You’re not stepping in the drivers seat. You’re sitting in the parking lot of the gym, waiting for the magical ‘Want To Fairy’ to come along and drag your a$$ in.

She ain’t coming.

You have to knuckle up and choose to do seemingly impossible things, even when you don’t want to.

If you’re stuck and feel like you just can’t, like you just cannot muster up a drop of give-a-damn, sit down and make a list of everything in your life that would be improved if you simply got up, jammed your feet into your really high rain boots (without even wasting time finding socks), went out and trudged through the figurative crap necessary to create the life you really want. What does that life look like? What are you REALLY missing out on by sitting around, waiting for the Want To Fairy??

Re-Kon: Finding the Magic … Again.

March 21, 2016 by amanda 1 Comment

Nothing changes unless you do. Trying a new way of doing something will only lead to relapse of you don’t address the underlying issues behind why you need to change to begin with.

I have mentioned the remnant pieces of my KonMari adventure before. My dresser was covered by stacks of books, a basket of electronic junk, basket of office supplies and so on. I wish I could report that writing my post about Picking Up the Pieces triggered some mega motivation to jump right on fixing that, but it didn’t.

Something happened today, though. And not only did I clear every single thing off my dresser, I threw the whole dang thing out.

We purchased a new dresser in November. It has been sitting in my garage since then. You read that right. My now-curbed dresser had a couple of dysfunctional drawers. I found the perfect dresser to chalk paint and lightly distress, bought it … and left it in the garage with no clear date of when to actually paint the thing. I don’t particularly enjoy the work involved in painting furniture, just the finished product. So it sat there for four months. Meanwhile I was living with this junk dresser that added just a dusting of stress to my load.

Today at church my pastor REALLY struck a nerve with me. I know I’m kind of jumping around here, but this will all come together soon. He talked about how we go from…

Disappointment…
To discouragement…
To defeat.

Some areas of my life are positively flourishing. But others, notsomuch. Pastor Kevin explained how we move from being disappointed to feeling discouraged (meaning to lose courage) and then even deeper into defeat, where we doubt we can ever actually do the thing we want to do.

I have been living in a place of defeat in a number of areas of my life for quite some time. I’ve fought the battle, won, but ultimately lost the war … over … and over … to the point where I’m left feeling completely defeated. I didn’t connect the dots until today. I’m not struggling. Deep down beneath the surface, below the motivational quotes and the half-ass workouts and not making eye contact with the chaos in my life, I’m living in a place of defeat. In this deep, hidden place where defeat has taken up residence, I am not entirely convinced there is hope for changing certain things in my life. I have hope for the future of my business, my children, my marriage … but for other more personal things, I’m beginning to realize I’m not digging deep enough with my little spoon. I have to dig deeper into this place of defeat.

I left church on fire and on a mission. The neglected clutter in different parts of the house is no doubt a mental drain. Ignore as I might, it’s still a hindrance. My husband is always telling me I need to be the leader in the house (today’s church service was ultimately about leadership). Boy did I lead. I made a specific list of things we would accomplish and didn’t let anyone in the house veer left or right. Didn’t get on social media. Didn’t even listen to music. This was my way of taking action despite feeling defeated. This was me taking something back that had been stolen from me by the evil of defeat.

The result? My Suburban is slam packed full of Goodwill donations. My old dresser is on the curb. My desk has been moved to our new office (formerly known as the playroom). New, still unpainted dresser is in our room. All upstairs rooms are cleaned and gutted of unused junk and clothes that no longer fit and/or worn out. I went through the remaining komono (Konmari-speak for “stuff”) that had been sitting untouched for – wow I’m saying this to the world – eight months.

It’s hard to believe it’s been eight months since my son’s skin infection/nightmare began. I’m better, but psychologically it has been like running up a steep, muddy hill … barefoot … with no rope or person at the top to help pull me over the precipice. Just when I think I’ve got some traction and see some distance between me and the bottom, I slip and slide down the hill a little bit.

Today’s KonMari “Re-Kon” was on fire. TOWANDA!

I got rid of things that survived my original round of KonMari. I was relentless. I’m tired of playing it safe, making decisions based on “just in case”. The whole reason I had to re-konmari is because my son’s misery began right in the midst of it and everything went down hill. Nothing else mattered. Then when we reached the precipice with his issue, I still struggled to even find the “want to” for personal healing.

Having an ounce of “want to” is a new thing for me lately.

I’ve been going to the gym and working out at home, eating better, but today I realized deep down my efforts are rooted in a place of defeat. That’s why I’m not actually getting anywhere. It’s why I don’t have that FIRE I used to have about my health and fitness. It’s why I don’t push myself more in workouts. Why I do “just enough”. Because deep down I have been defeated and I have yet to muster up the courage to think I can succeed once and for all.

I look forward to the day when I can report that I have banished defeat and am courageously pressing forward in my health and household goals the way I am in my business. Because wow, in my biz, I’m on fire. But in a few other areas, I’m flailing around like a fish out of water.

My next step: Dig up that ugly, black defeat that’s buried so deeply in my mind and bind it for good. Easier said than done.

You Can Do This

January 23, 2016 by amanda Leave a Comment

This has been my go-to phrase lately. Sometimes it’s hard to believe though. I can tell myself, “You can do this,” hundreds of times, but I still look at the blinking cursor with anxiety in my gut.

See, I’m at the beginning of a very new journey. Becoming a bonafide copywriter. Not just someone who writes grammatically correct content and blog posts for websites. But someone who’s educated in HOW to use words for marketing purposes.

It’s funny how my love for psychology and innate ability to write have aligned in this accidental line of work. My husband has told me for ages that I need to go to college and pursue marketing. I’ve always replied with, “Eh? Do you even know me?? Marketing? That sounds so square and dry.”

But copywriting IS marketing. And like all areas of marketing, there’s a science to it. Psychology. Understanding the mind. I’m great at that. And I have studied copywriting a good bit. But recently I’ve had to spend some time poking around other copywriters websites to get an idea of what information to include on my site. Seeing their websites triggers self-doubt. I wonder, “How on earth am I ever going to be that good and charge THAT much??” This long line of questions begins to roll before my eyes like some sort of Star Wars intro.

I’m working very hard on it. But sometimes it’s difficult to START a project because I’m so worried that the finished product won’t be GOOD ENOUGH. Which is crazy because the people I work with love what I do. They have confidence in my ability. They trust me. The believe that my words help bring their ideas and products to life. That I explain their idea better than they can themselves. That reading my copy makes them want to buy their own product.

Right now, I’m working with a number of professionals. If I mess up, they lose money. That’s a lot of pressure. I’m at that critical “fight or flight” moment where things are getting serious and the Self Doubt Wars episode is imagining how easy it would be to simply disappear. Not with their money, of course. But to slowly back away, into the shadows, never to be seen or heard from again. I’ve done that so many times.

This time is different, though. My coach, Kristen Owens, has helped me unearth the causes behind all of this self-doubt, perfectionism and lack of confidence. Keeping with Star Wars references, this mound of fears and defense mechanisms reminds me of Jaba the Hut. It’s ugly and slimy and serves me NO good. I can see the problem. And I know I can get through it with persistence and hard work. I’ll come out on the other side successful and happier than ever.

There isn’t a cute list of bullet point tips on how to overcome self-doubt. This is just raw emotion. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do with this little corner of the internet. For now, it’s serving quite nicely as my virtual sounding board.

PS: This blog post hasn’t even been proofread. If you’d like samples of my work, please ask. This is not any sort of organized copy lol. This is thoughts put to words, digging it out of my head so that I can move on for now and get my work done. Which is why I haven’t proofread this. No time. Work to do.

Picking Up the Pieces

January 2, 2016 by amanda 2 Comments

My life took a sharp turn down a very rocky road about five months ago. Anyone that knows me personally might be tired of hearing how this event has impacted my life. I don’t think anyone can fully comprehend the power such an experience can have on your mindset until they’ve experienced it.

My son was hospitalized in isolation twice, for a total of seven days, due to what turned out to be a dermal strep infection that covered much of his little three year old body. The months that followed were positively filled with anxiety, worry, stress, tears, pain, depression and more. He’s finally healed now and has been for about 5-6 weeks, but I’m still picking up the pieces of my former life.

Before I decided to write this post, I was lying on my bed trying to soothe my anxiety. After praying and sitting quietly for a little bit, I opened my eyes to look at my messy bedroom. When my son was hospitalized, I was in the final stages of following the KonMari Method of getting rid of things and organizing the home. I glanced at my dresser and saw stacks of books that still needed a final home. There was a vase that I’d decided to keep, but never found a home for. There were a few miscellaneous office supplies that needed to be put in my desk… a desk that’s seven feet away, and yet the stuff had been sitting there for months.

I quickly realized that there were as many physical “pieces” of my life that needed to be dealt with as there were emotional ones.

I was not the most emotionally stable person to begin with. I’ve struggled with severe bipolar mania and depression. I’ve overcome serious psychiatric issues, thanks to my faith in the Lord. Psychologically speaking, the last four years have been the best of my adult life. I had overcome bipolar and was medication-free for three years, I was nine months into recovery for food issues, I had lost sixty pounds, I was going to the gym regularly, and my home was more organized and tidy than ever. I was happy and healthy.

But when my son was in the hospital… it crippled me. Minutes feel like hours when you’re locked in a hospital room, staring at your child that’s lying in a hospital bed, being pumped full of several IV and oral medications. When he was lethargic, it was scary. When he was wide awake and begging to leave the room, it was heartbreaking. When I laid on the little sofa-bed at night, I did nothing but pray and cry. Those seven days were the hardest of my life. No exaggeration.

After we came home from the second stint in isolation, the infection came back for a THIRD time. I called one of the best dermatologists in Atlanta and begged to get in immediately. Long story short, at least eight physicians at Scottish Rite had seen him, and none questioned the original diagnosis (eczema herpeticum) and none re-tested after his culture produced a “false negative”. The dermatologist healed the dermal strep infection, but the months following weren’t much better. His body was bright red and incredibly itchy no matter what we did.

I spent the following months seeing different specialists, trying over fifty things, researching, talking to other eczema parents online, and more. My three year old son lived in footie pajamas 24/7. He couldn’t wear regular clothes. If he did, he’d claw his skin to pieces in minutes. That’s how bad it was. His struggle broke my heart every single day. I just wanted his “normal eczema” back.

My son has been healed for about five weeks now thanks to using the Dr. Aron Regime (praise GOD!), but I’m still very much recovering from the emotional damage of this experience. No, his issue wasn’t life-threatening, but his misery was my misery. His tears were my tears. I didn’t have the time or emotional energy to even consider myself or my sanity. Healing him was my only concern.

Very slowly, I’m beginning to put the pieces of my life and mindset back together. Eventually, I will be stronger for having gone through this experience. I named this blog ‘The Digging Spoon’ because when you’re working on improving yourself, changing habits and healing from hurts, it’s like digging yourself out of it with nothing but a spoon. There is no quick fix. There is no bulldozer coming to scoop all this pain and baggage off my heart. No one can heal me but myself and the Lord.

If you’ve read this whole thing, or even most of it, thank you. I look forward to sharing more of my journey to healing, as well as other life-changing topics, faith, parenting, personal development and more. Like my Facebook page for the latest posts and inspiration!

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People do stuff they don’t want to do every single day.