My son has been healed since mid-November. Roughly three months. His battle with extreme strep infected and staph irritated eczema spanned almost four long, sleepless, agonizing months. I suppose it’s okay that I’m still healing emotionally since the duration of the crisis is longer than the recovery period. When I think back to his health crisis, which is virtually every time I rub my son’s baby-soft belly, bathe him, kiss his smooth cheeks, look at his blotch-free face… I feel gratitude. I’m also reminded of that painful season of life. Every. Single. Day. It feels silly sometimes. I mean, it’s not like he battled leukemia or some other very life threatening disease. But his pain was my pain. I’ve talked about this before.
Healing has been… odd. Where do you go to recover from an emotional issue like this? I feel silly that it’s even an issue.
Tonight I was thinking how I can’t wait until it’s all a distant memory. How I look forward to the day when I can give him a bath without recalling how agonizing bath time and subsequent prescription topical ointment application used to be. How I’d pray that he’d wake up clearer… and he wouldn’t. I look forward to a time when it doesn’t hurt to think about everything we experienced.
I feel like it’s hard to really talk to anyone about this. There are people experiencing real issues. Death. Cancer. Miscarriage. My little mental issues seem negligible compared to that. But I hurt. Not all day, every day. And not always so deeply. But tonight… I hurt. And I just need to put words to it. Acknowledge it. Release it. Breathe. Accept that it’s okay to hurt and that my inner healing isn’t going to be as miraculous as my son’s treatment.
Challenges are supposed to strengthen us, build our character. I look forward to this day. In the midst of my son’s horrible eczema, I was a courageous mama lioness. Hell hath no fury like a mom who’s son has been misdiagnosed and treatment mismanaged repeatedly. But once the fight-or-flight waned and things began to settle down. I was left with a gaping hole in my chest. I don’t understand it. I’ve never had stellar mental health, but this is not my M.O.. And I know myself well enough to know I’m not depressed.
Hopefully the impending warm weather will help.
Praise God my son is healed (and many thanks to Dr. Aron)
Until next time,