Nothing changes unless you do. Trying a new way of doing something will only lead to relapse of you don’t address the underlying issues behind why you need to change to begin with.
I have mentioned the remnant pieces of my KonMari adventure before. My dresser was covered by stacks of books, a basket of electronic junk, basket of office supplies and so on. I wish I could report that writing my post about Picking Up the Pieces triggered some mega motivation to jump right on fixing that, but it didn’t.
Something happened today, though. And not only did I clear every single thing off my dresser, I threw the whole dang thing out.
We purchased a new dresser in November. It has been sitting in my garage since then. You read that right. My now-curbed dresser had a couple of dysfunctional drawers. I found the perfect dresser to chalk paint and lightly distress, bought it … and left it in the garage with no clear date of when to actually paint the thing. I don’t particularly enjoy the work involved in painting furniture, just the finished product. So it sat there for four months. Meanwhile I was living with this junk dresser that added just a dusting of stress to my load.
Today at church my pastor REALLY struck a nerve with me. I know I’m kind of jumping around here, but this will all come together soon. He talked about how we go from…
- To discouragement…
- To defeat.
Some areas of my life are positively flourishing. But others, notsomuch. Pastor Kevin explained how we move from being disappointed to feeling discouraged (meaning to lose courage) and then even deeper into defeat, where we doubt we can ever actually do the thing we want to do.
I have been living in a place of defeat in a number of areas of my life for quite some time. I’ve fought the battle, won, but ultimately lost the war … over … and over … to the point where I’m left feeling completely defeated. I didn’t connect the dots until today. I’m not struggling. Deep down beneath the surface, below the motivational quotes and the half-ass workouts and not making eye contact with the chaos in my life, I’m living in a place of defeat. In this deep, hidden place where defeat has taken up residence, I am not entirely convinced there is hope for changing certain things in my life. I have hope for the future of my business, my children, my marriage … but for other more personal things, I’m beginning to realize I’m not digging deep enough with my little spoon. I have to dig deeper into this place of defeat.
I left church on fire and on a mission. The neglected clutter in different parts of the house is no doubt a mental drain. Ignore as I might, it’s still a hindrance. My husband is always telling me I need to be the leader in the house (today’s church service was ultimately about leadership). Boy did I lead. I made a specific list of things we would accomplish and didn’t let anyone in the house veer left or right. Didn’t get on social media. Didn’t even listen to music. This was my way of taking action despite feeling defeated. This was me taking something back that had been stolen from me by the evil of defeat.
The result? My Suburban is slam packed full of Goodwill donations. My old dresser is on the curb. My desk has been moved to our new office (formerly known as the playroom). New, still unpainted dresser is in our room. All upstairs rooms are cleaned and gutted of unused junk and clothes that no longer fit and/or worn out. I went through the remaining komono (Konmari-speak for “stuff”) that had been sitting untouched for – wow I’m saying this to the world – eight months.
It’s hard to believe it’s been eight months since my son’s skin infection/nightmare began. I’m better, but psychologically it has been like running up a steep, muddy hill … barefoot … with no rope or person at the top to help pull me over the precipice. Just when I think I’ve got some traction and see some distance between me and the bottom, I slip and slide down the hill a little bit.
Today’s KonMari “Re-Kon” was on fire. TOWANDA!
I got rid of things that survived my original round of KonMari. I was relentless. I’m tired of playing it safe, making decisions based on “just in case”. The whole reason I had to re-konmari is because my son’s misery began right in the midst of it and everything went down hill. Nothing else mattered. Then when we reached the precipice with his issue, I still struggled to even find the “want to” for personal healing.
Having an ounce of “want to” is a new thing for me lately.
I’ve been going to the gym and working out at home, eating better, but today I realized deep down my efforts are rooted in a place of defeat. That’s why I’m not actually getting anywhere. It’s why I don’t have that FIRE I used to have about my health and fitness. It’s why I don’t push myself more in workouts. Why I do “just enough”. Because deep down I have been defeated and I have yet to muster up the courage to think I can succeed once and for all.
I look forward to the day when I can report that I have banished defeat and am courageously pressing forward in my health and household goals the way I am in my business. Because wow, in my biz, I’m on fire. But in a few other areas, I’m flailing around like a fish out of water.
My next step: Dig up that ugly, black defeat that’s buried so deeply in my mind and bind it for good. Easier said than done.